When you’re passive aggressive at work…

I’ve written before about how to deal with passive aggressive co-workers…but what if you find yourself in the driver’s seat? We can all display passive aggressive traits from time-to-time, but if are in this rut consistently over an extended period, you’re doing some serious damage. You’re not only impacting your co-workers – it’s your own mindset and your career that are going to take the worst hit.

Understand what being passive aggressive at work is.

Passive aggressive behavior is when you don’t address issues directly with those involved – you behave one way when certain people are in earshot, and then another as soon as their back is turned. Maybe you support an idea in a meeting, but then as soon as you leave the room, mutter under your breath to your friend “that’s a dumb idea”. Or maybe you tell the boss what you think s/he wants to hear only to call them incompetent behind their back. Or maybe you leave demanding notes in the staff kitchen reprimanding people for perceived infractions. It could apply to anything – a person, an idea, a strategy that’s being implemented…anytime you’re being subversively negative or cynical without coming out and saying it directly, you’re being passive aggressive.

Here’s the problem.

Everyone has their moments of being passive aggressive at work (and we should forgive people those), but if you find yourself behaving this way consistently over time in general, in regards to a specific person, because of a strategy that you don’t agree with, or for any number of other reasons, then you’re just setting yourself up for trouble. Here’s why: You’re going to piss people off.
No one likes people who are negative or cynical all the time, and it always gets back to the people you don’t want it to. Yes, sometimes it’s nice to commiserate with your co-workers over things but when you’re always the negative nelly in the group, it just gets tiring for those around you…and before you know it they’re rolling their eyes behind your back! You’re not only sealing yourself into a negative and unproductive mindset, but you’re dragging your co-workers down there with you. Your boss is going to be upset because you’re bringing down others on your team and your co-workers will grow weary of it and mistrusting of you.  If you’re being negative about others behind their back, who’s do say you’re not doing it to them as well?

Yes, you need people to like you.

Sometimes when I’m coaching people, I’ll hear them say “I’m not at work to make friends…I’m there to do a job.”
But at work, nothing is more valuable than relationships – relationships trump org chart every day of the week. When you let org chart rule the day, what you’re telling yourself is that you can only lead people who directly report to you. Relationships, on the other hand, allow you to break out of the org chart and lead those around you regardless of formal structure. And that’s something that every single person, regardless of their role or title, needs to be able to do.
Here’s why this is important: Very few people exist in a professional environment where they are off on their own all the time. Most of us have to work with others. What’s more, most of us need the help and support of others in order to advance our own initiatives. When people like you, you can get more done because you’re going to have more people around you that are willing to help you.
Think about it for a moment – have you ever embraced a leader that was negative all the time? People are not inspired by negativity and cynicism – they are inspired by vision and progress.  If the primary thing that people see from you is a passive aggressive attitude, that’s not inspiring…and it will get in your way of being as productive as you could be at work.

So put a stop to it.

So, you think you might be passive aggressive at work. Here’s how you can make some immediate changes to turn things around:

1. Decide to stop. Here’s the good news – if you’re reading this article you’ve likely already done step number one to curing your passive aggressive behavior. You’ve recognized what you’re doing and have come to some understanding that it’s hindering you at work. But you need to go one step further and focus on changing your behavior. This may be easier said than done! Habits are formed over time and can take 30-60 days to really break. Make sure you’re making proactive progress every day and eventually it will become second nature.
2. Disrupt your thought process. The best way to make that proactive process is to ask yourself disruptive questions when you’re starting to think or speak negatively. For example:
   • What will I gain from speaking up right now?
   • Am I looking at this situation in the worst possible way?
   • What other ways could I interpret what’s going on?
   • How would the person I’m speaking about feel if it got back to them?
3. Develop your confidence. Time for some tough love – if you’re finding yourself being consistently passive aggressive, that’s an indication that your own confidence needs some attention. People with a highly developed sense of self-confidence simply have no need to be passive aggressive, at work or elsewhere. The best thing you can do is to look inwardly and work on yourself. Once those pieces fall into place, so will your interactions with others.

Recognize the problem and commit to change, disrupt your old thought processes, and really focus on yourself – those are the keys to the kingdom of curing your passive aggressive behavior.

Like this article?