You’re in an HR or a leadership position and an employee comes to you at their wits end with a situation with a co-worker. They come into your office, shut the door, and start complaining. Maybe it’s something  you’ve heard about before, maybe not. Regardless, here’s one line I would encourage you never to use:
“What could you do differently?”
On the surface, that might seem like a good way to diffuse the situation, by focusing on the positive actions an employee could take to resolve the conflict. However, this tactic that’s taught in so many one day seminars on how to manage your employees better is one of those things that drives me crazy. Here’s why:
1) It’s patronizing and dismissive.
At it’s core very nature of the question comes with the base assumption that the individual’s actions are impacting the situation. There are many instances where that is not true at all. For example, if the individual coming to you is a target of workplace bullying, then nothing they do or don’t do matters one way or the other – the bullying will likely continue unless the organization takes responsibility and steps in.
Instead of refocusing the conversation, actively listen to the information you’re being given. That’s not to say you should accept everything being said as the gospel truth, but by turning it around on the employee you may be missing the point of a larger issue at play that needs attention. At this stage, your job is to gather evidence to be able to fully assess what’s going on, not move it off your plate so you can focus on other things.
2) It may miss the point of the conversation.
Sometimes, people just need to talk. They need to vent, get it out of their system. To build a trusting relationship with those you’re managing either directly or indirectly, you have to allow them this basic consideration of a person to talk to. They don’t necessarily need you to jump in and solve the problem, or even offer them advice about how they could solve it themselves. They just need you to listen so they can feel as if they’ve been heard and understood. Want to endear your employees to you? There are few better tactics than offering them an environment to have an authentic conversation.
3) There are better ways.
Encouraging someone to have perspective and explore options regarding a given situation is good, but as with most things, execution is everything. Instead of saying “What could you do differently?”, reframe the question. Try asking “What are the options here? What would make this situation better for you?” You listen to their first answer, asking probing questions to help them really get at the points that are causing them pain (hint: they may not be aware of what they’re really upset about when they walk into your office – you need to pull that out of them). When they’re done explaining one possible option for changing the situation, ask “what’s another option?”. And so on, and so forth. Not only will you encourage them to explore the different aspects of the situation, but you will also understand the greater context and thought process at play. That’s a win-win.

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