To err is human. To forgive, divine.
One of my worst moments as a professional came after months of being under a tremendous amount of stress and pressure, to the point where it was making me physically ill. I was working for someone who was utterly useless as a boss, had a colleague that was constantly spreading rumors about me around the office, and was working on several high profile projects that needed to ship but that I had very few resources to deliver. In the midst of this, I got some very bad personal news and I just snapped and yelled at the aforementioned rumor-spreading colleague who happened to come in my office to talk to me about something at the wrong time. I almost immediately regretted it.
We’ve all had moments like this, where stress and pressure lead us to do something we wouldn’t normally do. But here’s why I don’t beat myself up over it: I could go on for days naming examples of colleagues snapping at me in meetings, or giving me an answer I didn’t want in a tone I didn’t appreciate, or coming in my office and yelling at me for something that I had no power over, or wrongly articulating something I had said to a third party. We all could. We’re human.
There’s lots that can be said about preventing yourself from having a moment like this, but instead let’s focus on how to react when one of your colleagues has one of these moments. The worst thing you can do is get angry and retaliate. Would you want them doing that to you if you had a bad day? If you want forgiveness when you have a bad day then you have an obligation to immediately offer that same forgiveness to colleagues who are having a bad day.
Of course, sometimes it’s easier said than done. Forgiveness comes a lot easier when you are able to transition your default reaction from anger (“What a jerk that guy is! How do people work with him!”) to empathy (“That was annoying, but he must be under a lot of pressure.”).
The Anatomy of Anger
Let’s step back and think about the primary emotion at play here – anger. The basic notion of feeling anger is based on the assumption that there has been a transgression against you, typically because one these three things happens:
- You’re blocked from achieving an important goal;
- An important personal rule has been violated (such as you saying hello to someone and them not responding);
- Your self-esteem has been threatened.
When you’re angry, you probably feel an inclination to “get back” at the person you perceive to have transgressed against you. You might do so actively (for example, by yelling back at them) or you might do so passive aggressively (for example, by spreading rumors about them in the organization). Some would advise you that you must “let the anger out” in order to move on. However, letting it out almost always has the opposite effect – it might actually make the situation worse because it just reinforces the anger rather than diminishing it.
A New Way
To really combat the problem, you’ve got to take a different approach. First, you’ve got to move on from the notion that your reaction is driven by the actions of others. This will help you to empower yourself with the knowledge that you are in control of your internal thought process and your reaction to a given situation. The way you frame the situation dictates how you will react to it, and you always have a choice.
Let’s look at an example: You’re sitting in your office and a colleague comes in to ask about a project. Your boss had anticipated this type of question and had even prepped you to give the answer he wanted. However, this is not the answer your colleague wants and it frustrates them. You tell them there’s not much you can do and they snap at you. You feel wronged because you don’t have control over the answer and are baring the brunt of the reaction of the angry colleague.
At this point, your internal dialogue dictates how you will act next. You’ve got a few options:
- Give into the anger: “That asshole. I have no control over this, why is he coming after me! Let’s see what happens the next time he needs my help with a project!”
- Give the benefit of the doubt: “He must be under some pressure from his boss for this project. I’m annoyed that I’m getting the brunt for answering the way I was told to, but it’s probably not directed at me specifically. I’ll just ask him to take it up with my boss.”
Which of those seems like the most productive approach to you?
It’s Not For Them. It’s For You.
One final thought: Though all of this may seem to be of more benefit to your colleague by letting them off the hook, it’s really a very self-serving act. Prolonged anger does nothing but hurt you, both mentally and physically. By forgiving others and moving on, you’re helping yourself just as much as you’re helping your colleagues, and maybe even a little more.
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